Introduction
In Chapter 29, King Solomon continues to lay down cornerstones in chinuch, communal leadership, and the methods of rebuke. In the three pesukim before us, we learn three complementary themes: what a father gains by disciplining his son, what becomes of a nation that lacks vision and guidance, and how one must speak to someone upon whom mere words have no effect. Let us proceed in the order of the pesukim.
"Chasten your son, and he will give you rest" - Rest for the Father
יַסֵּר בִּנְךָ וִינִיחֶךָ וְיִתֵּן מַעֲדַנִּים לְנַפְשֶׁךָ׃ (יז) - Chasten your son, and he will give you rest; and he will bring delights to your soul. (17)
In printed editions, the word vayenichecha appears in two slight textual variants; in practice, this does not alter the meaning of the verse, but only its grammatical vocalization. The more precise reading, as found in the Koren Tanach and in most editions, is viynichecha.
When a son is wicked, his father has no rest. He is in constant anxiety and stress: What has the son done now? What prank or misdeed will be uncovered? What new scandal is about to erupt? Concerning this, Solomon says: Chasten your son - that is, give him mussar - and then your son will grant you peace of mind, and you will have rest.
And not only this, says the Vilna Gaon. "And he will give you rest" - from Gehinnom, so that you will not face the turmoil and tossing of Gehinnom, but will have rest. "And he will bring delights to your soul" - this refers to Gan Eden. Not only will he spare you from Gehinnom, but he will also usher you into Gan Eden.
As in the incident concerning Rabbi Akiva, who saw a man black as coal gathering wood in the desert so that they might burn him with that very wood. Rabbi Akiva taught Torah to the son of that wicked man, and eventually the deceased man came to him and said: Know that you have brought rest to my soul; from the moment my son began learning Torah, they took me out of Gehinnom and brought me into Gan Eden. This is how the holy Zohar recounts the story. From here one sees that not only does he "give you rest" from Gehinnom, but he also "brings delights to your soul" - he grants you Gan Eden.
And the Vilna Gaon offers an additional explanation, one that is truly frightening: even a tzaddik, if he has a wicked son, is taken out of Gan Eden and brought to Gehinnom so that he might witness the torment of his son. Even a tzaddik is removed from Gan Eden and brought to see how much his son suffers.
Simply understood, all this applies to a person who had the ability to educate his son properly and failed to do so. But someone who raised his child upon the wellsprings of Torah, made every conceivable effort, and spared nothing to raise him to Torah and good deeds - yet, what can be done, the son has free will, and bad company or some other factor led him astray - such a parent will surely not be held accountable. What we are speaking of here is a situation where the parent was negligent in his children's upbringing: he sent them to compromised, questionable educational institutions, and then "out came this golden calf," leaving him standing bewildered: Where did this come from? How did my son come to act this way, bringing home every form of spiritual affliction and harmful technology? It was you; this is what you gave him. And therefore, that is where they will take you: even in the World Above you will have no rest, for they will take you to Gehinnom to show you what your son is undergoing.
Do Not Be Deterred by Sanctions
You do not want your child staying out past eleven at night. You insisted, you took a stand, yet the child came home at midnight or one in the morning, and you reprimanded him. Suddenly you see him hardening his shell, putting up the quills of a hedgehog, showing his displeasure. And then the foolish parent tries to appease the child. Why appease him? If the child does not want to talk, let him not talk. That does not prevent me from speaking to him and giving him instructions. When I tell him to clear the table, he will clear the table. You don't want to talk? Don't talk. You don't feel like discussing it? Don't discuss it. But imposing sanctions on me? Over what? Over something I instructed you to do out of concern for your upbringing? Where is the logic? People have lost their common sense.
There was a father who would sit at the table, and whenever something was not to the liking of his son or daughter, they would get up, sulk, and storm off to their room. And he would follow them to their room, pleading: 'Please, come back, what happened?' One who gets shaken by sanctions will face them again and again. If a parent remains unfazed - so what if the child went to his room? If it suits him to be in his room, let him stay in his room! Once or twice a person sees that their protests accomplish nothing, they stop protesting. But when a child sees that his demonstrations and emotional blackmail work on his parents, he will continue using them.
The Little Tyrant at Home
A child says: 'I don't want to, I can't, there is nothing to eat.' And the parent responds: 'Come, sweetie, I will make you this; no? Maybe I will cook you something else; no? I will make you that.' What happened? Nothing happened! You don't want to eat? There is bread, eat bread. I made schnitzel; you don't like schnitzel? Today we are eating schnitzel, and if you don't want it - eat something else. Should a parent sit and cook according to a child's whims? You are raising a little tyrant at home, and that little tyrant will grow into a big tyrant. Where is people's common sense?
Shlomo says: 'Chasten your son, and he will give you rest.' Do not be overly sugary; do not be spineless. Set the proper boundary in the home: this is not done, and this is what there is to eat. Once, the son of the Brisker Rov came home, and his wife told him that the child had not eaten his porridge because he did not like the taste. The Rov told her: 'From today until the end of the month, this is all there is for breakfast. Until it comes out of your nostrils!' This is not to say that one must act this way today, but rather to understand the principle.
There are homes where the mother prepares six different lunches, because one child does not like schnitzel, the second does not like cooked food, the third does not like stuffed vegetables, for the fourth the tomatoes must be picked out of the salad, the fifth wants no onions, and the sixth prefers it yet another way. Ribbono Shel Olam, where is common sense? Why did you eat whatever was served to you? Why did your grandfather eat whatever was put before him, even if it was hard as gravel? Because he was not spoiled! Because they told him: 'This is what there is for lunch today. There are no snacks; there is bread, spread some cheese on it, and if you don't like it - eat something else.'
This is not referring to extreme situations where a child genuinely cannot eat something and becomes ill. In the normal course of things: this is what there is to eat, so eat it. But one who thinks he will win the child's favor by groveling before him and constantly trying to appease him - you are shooting yourself in the foot, and you will pay for it dearly.
What Starts Small Ends Big
When children grow up, they walk all over their parents. As long as the child is small, it happens in small matters, and when he is grown, it happens in big matters. They make their parents' lives miserable, and the parents dance around them, even after the son is married: 'Mom, I need this; Dad, buy me that.' And they rush to buy it. The child is married now; he is supposed to take care of himself and be responsible for himself! Yet the parents dance to his tune, driving here and there because he needs a babysitter. Let him pay the neighbor! 'No, my mother can come.' Ribbono Shel Olam, is your mother your babysitter? Does she not have a life of her own? Does she no longer need peace and quiet? You gave her a grandchild - did you turn her into a maidservant? Terrible exploitation of parents by their adult children is seen all too often. When you allowed yourself to be manipulated by your children when they were small, you will be manipulated by them when they are grown.
A woman once related: 'My daughter asked something of me, and I told her I didn't think it would work out. Afterwards, she didn't speak to me for two weeks. So I called her and said: I'm sorry, but please understand, I couldn't.' What foolishness! Why call to apologize? What do you owe her? Where is your common sense? That is precisely why she gives you the cold shoulder, and that is why she feels you owe her - because you constantly signal that you owe her and that you are apologetic. No: 'I have my own life, you are a grown woman, hire a babysitter, it will not work for me.' If she sulks, let her sulk; she has more to lose than you do. When she decides to stop sulking, the home is open; the parents never cut off the connection. When a person realizes they hold a weapon, they use it.
And later, when the parent grows old, fighting breaks out among the children: 'It's a burden, I went last week, now it's your turn, today doesn't work for me.' There is no one to stay with Dad, no one to be with Mom. That is how it goes: when you raise children whose sole focus is how to receive and how to take, and you are merely a lemon to be squeezed, then when you need something - who pays any attention to you? After all, you are obligated to them, but they owe you nothing. In contrast, look at those who raised their children properly and knew how to demand from them: the children feel it is a mitzvah and a sacred obligation to care for their father. 'I will come, I will take care of it, I will bring it, I will be with him today.' Boundless devotion! When you demanded of the child, held him accountable, and set him on the right path - the child devotes himself. But when the child feels you are an ATM or merely a means to satisfy his desires, do not be surprised that there is no appreciation for you, that no one considers your feelings, and that if you refuse just once - they treat you as though you robbed and wronged them.
And this is what the Malbim explains: by disciplining him away from evil, not only will he grant you rest, but 'he will give delights to your soul' - the son will follow the statutes of wisdom, you will have raised a ben Torah, and he will increase his love and honor for his parents and respect them properly. But by neglecting his upbringing, constantly apologizing to him, and always thinking about what you must give him rather than what the child must contribute - he will drain the very life out of you, long before your soul is naturally due to depart.
"בְּאֵין חָזוֹן יִפָּרַע עָם" - Where There Is No Vision, the People Run Wild - When There Is No One to Guide
בְּאֵין חָזוֹן יִפָּרַע עָם וְשֹׁמֵר תּוֹרָה אַשְׁרֵהוּ׃ (יח) - Where there is no vision, the people run wild, but he who keeps the Torah, fortunate is he.
Rashi explains: When the people of Israel cause prophecy to depart from them - when did that happen? When "they mocked the messengers of God" (Divrei HaYamim II 36:16), mocking the prophets - through this, "the people run wild" (yipara am). For who keeps the nation guarded, protected, and walking in the way of Hashem? The prophets, who would stand and rebuke at the gate. And when there is no vision, the people cast off restraint. Yipara is related to the verse, "for they were unrestrained (parua), for Aharon had let them run wild (fera'oh) to their shame before their enemies" (Shemot 32:25). The nation becomes like a populace after riots, a pogrom within the people, where everyone does whatever is convenient and whatever seems right in their own eyes.
And what is "vision" (chazon)? The Gra explains: either it refers to prophecy, meaning an era when there were prophets; or it refers to a leader and guide, someone who directs the way in the service of Hashem. This can also be seen clearly in practice: there are communities, there are people, there are synagogues that have no rabbi. They feel they do not need a rabbi - "We are all wise, we are all discerning, we all know the Torah, no one needs a rabbi." And you see how such a synagogue goes downhill, from bad to worse, and how corruption spreads there. There is a troublemaker, endless quarrels, and no decisions made - that is "where there is no vision."
The Malbim says: But "he who keeps the Torah, fortunate is he." One who keeps the Torah does not need a prophet to straighten his path, for even without a prophet, he has the Torah. Certainly a prophet is always a good and beneficial thing, but the keeper of the Torah already sees from within the Torah Hashem's commandments and His will, the right path, the way to fear of Heaven, and the mitzvot - he sees everything directly from the Torah. Therefore, fortunate is he.
And what is meant by ashrehu ("fortunate is he")? The Gra notes that the word can be read as ashrei hey-vav. The letters hey (numerical value five) and vav (numerical value six) allude to positive and negative commandments, as the Gra explains in several places, and also allude to this world and the World to Come. Thus: fortunate is he both in positive commandments and in negative commandments, fortunate is he both in this world and in the World to Come, as well as in the principal reward and the added fifth. These matters require in-depth study in the Gra's commentary, but in any event, all of this is hinted at in those letters, hey and vav, at the end of the word.
The Malbim adds a wonderful insight: When the seal of the prophets concluded his prophecy, it is said in Malachi, "Behold, I send you Eliyah the prophet" (Malachi 3:23), and alongside it, "Remember the Torah of Moshe My servant" (ibid. 3:22). See how fitting this is: as long as there are prophets, they align you with the Torah and remind you of the right path. But now, when prophecy has ended, and they were told that the next prophecy will only come when Eliyahu arrives - what is required of you until then? "Remember the Torah of Moshe My servant." Remember the Torah and the mitzvot, for there is no longer a prophet to tell you what the word of Hashem is. Meditate upon the Torah, and from it you will know the correct path. For "where there is no vision, the people run wild, but he who keeps the Torah, fortunate is he" - true happiness and fortune are attained through keeping the Torah, which stands in place of prophecy.
"A Servant Will Not Be Chastised by Words" - When Words Do Not Work
בִּדְבָרִים לֹא יִוָּסֶר עָבֶד כִּי יָבִין וְאֵין מַעֲנֶה׃ (יט) - A servant will not be chastised by words; though he understands, there is no response.
When you want to bring a servant to carry out your will, words alone will not help. A story is told of a contractor who asked his laborer, Ahmed, to bring the cinderblocks up to the fifth floor. After two hours, he returned and saw Ahmed still sitting with his coffee. He told him again: "Bring up the blocks." He came back an hour later - the blocks were still downstairs. He ran into the site foreman and asked, "What is going on with Ahmed?" The foreman said, "Wait, let me handle it." The foreman walked over to Ahmed, gave him a slap from the right and a slap from the left, and said: "Take those blocks up to the fifth floor right now, quickly!" Within ten minutes, all the blocks were on the fifth floor. The contractor came over to Ahmed and asked, "I don't understand, I spoke to you earlier too, what was the difference?" Ahmed replied, "You spoke, but he explained." Sometimes things need to be "explained," sometimes with pantomime, and sometimes with close-range pantomime. This is "a servant will not be chastised by words" - addressing him with mere words will not accomplish much, and he will not take discipline from it.
The Malbim explains: A free person, by human nature, is disciplined through words. You inform him of the fear of Hashem and the punishment for sins, and that alone stirs him to action. By contrast, a slave is in the category of a brutish person, and regarding an animal it is said, "with bit and bridle to hold in its ornament" (Tehillim 32:9), and "a whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey" (Mishlei 26:3). An animal is not persuaded by words, and a servant is beastly in his conduct; appealing to reason, intellect, and logic is not a form of persuasion for him. So it is with a scorner (leitz), whom one cannot address through persuasion, since he will only mock it, but rather through judgments and blows. So too here: only through physical chastisement will a servant be disciplined.
"Though He Understands, There Is No Response" - Three Interpretations
Ibn Ezra explains: "Though he understands" - even though he understands the rebuke you tell him, "there is no response." He does not say to you, "I accept, I will do it." He will not answer that he agrees and that he is acting according to your words.
Ralbag explains just the opposite: here the contrast is between a discerning person and a slave. "With words a slave will not be disciplined" - the base individual, even if you speak clearly to him, it will not help. But "for he understands" - when you speak to an intelligent person who grasps what is being spoken to him, "and there is no response": a slight hint is enough for him, you do not even need to utter it with your mouth, and he has already grasped it and will act according to your words. An understanding person does not even need to be spoken to at all, for he can see the failure of others and learn for himself. "A rebuke penetrates deeper into an understanding person than striking a fool a hundred times" - and he does not even need a rebuke, since he draws conclusions from others and understands hints from the wink of an eye.
And the Malbim explains: "Though he understands, there is no response" - the response does not move him or activate him. Even if he understands what you want, the words you spoke have no effect on him. It is as if you answered nothing and said nothing; the words did not penetrate him. Thus, we find three interpretations: either he does not answer you, "I will do so"; or it refers to an understanding person who needs no spoken reply at all and grasps it immediately; or as the Malbim explains, that talking to a slave is useless, for it is as though you never spoke or said a thing.
Rashi explains that this does not refer literally to a slave, but rather to anyone who defies the judge. Indeed, judges held a lash of discipline, and when people defied the judge's ruling, they would lash them. Today, it may not be considered respectable to flog someone, so they are placed in prison, which is another form of flogging. But certainly, one cannot simply say, "Talk to him." What can you say to a life prisoner who is in prison for the fourth time and practically has an open account at Maasiyahu Prison? For such a person, only lashes will work, and today the lashes are prison. And as we have already mentioned, when it comes to raising children, this does not mean actual physical afflictions or lashes, but rather other disciplinary measures that do not involve corporal punishment.
In summary:
The three pesukim join together into a single progression: "Chasten your son, and he will give you rest" - disciplining the son is the path to the father's peace of mind in this world and in the World to Come, whereas the subservient, overindulgent parent raises a petty tyrant who will grow into a full-fledged tyrant, with no appreciation and no rest. "Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint" - a nation without prophecy, without a rav, and without a guide becomes wild and unravels, whereas "happy is he who keeps the Torah," for from the Torah itself he knows the will of Hashem, and therefore when prophecy ceased, it was said, "Remember the Torah of Moshe, My servant." And "with words a slave will not be disciplined" - one whose character traits are coarse and animalistic cannot be set straight with mere words, but rather with bit and bridle, whereas for the discerning person, a slight hint suffices, and he does not even need an explicit spoken response.