Introduction
Before us is a section of Mishlei chapter 25, containing three verses that all deal with the secret of measure and limits: how one ought to approach authority - and by analogy, the Holy One, blessed be He; and why even in the best and sweetest things a person must know where to stop. We will study these matters according to the Vilna Gaon and the Malbim, adding the grammatical insights of the Minchat Shai and the words of the Midrash.
"Through Patience a Ruler Is Persuaded" - Two Paths in Prayer
בְּאֹרֶךְ אַפַּיִם יְפֻתֶּה קָצִין וְלָשׁוֹן רַכָּה תִּשְׁבָּר־גָּרֶם. (טו) - Through patience a ruler is persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks bone.
The Vilna Gaon offers a wonderful explanation, focusing primarily on the allegorical meaning: The Holy One, blessed be He, is slow to anger (erech apayim), and as a result, a person has the opportunity to offer prayer before trouble arrives - even before trouble strikes, one can pray that Hashem rescue him from it. However, there are two kinds of prayer.
One type: A person asks the Holy One, blessed be He, for the sake of His mercy and lovingkindness, as an unearned gift (matnat chinam). "Until now Your mercy has helped us and Your kindness has not forsaken us; do not abandon us, Hashem our God, forever" - that is to say: What has helped me until now and what has saved me? Not my merits, for I have no merits, but rather Your mercy and Your kindness. If so, that same mercy and kindness have not changed from last time to now, and therefore I am confident that they will continue. For if it depended on me - how could I know if my merits are sufficient? Perhaps I exhausted all my credit, perhaps I sinned in the meantime and am unworthy. But when everything depends on His mercy and kindness, without examining my spiritual balance at all, I am certain it will continue, because with the Holy One, blessed be He, the account is always full, and His kindness and mercy are forever boundless.
And this is just as the Zohar writes regarding "And he believed in Hashem": How did he believe? Seemingly, he should have feared that sin might prevent the fulfillment. The answer is: "and He counted it to him as righteousness (tzedakah)" - Avraham considered everything the Holy One, blessed be He, gave him as an act of charity. And since we are speaking of Hashem's charity, One who gave charity will continue to give charity. Fearing that "sin might prevent it" is a concern for someone who relies on his merits, fearing he might not be worthy. But Hashem's charity has not ended, and it knows no bounds.
This is also what is written: "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid." What is "E-l"? The attribute of chesed (kindness). As is known, "E-l" represents kindness, while "Elokim" represents strict judgment; the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy open with the name E-l, which is a name of mercy. With the Tetragrammaton, the dynamic is reversed: the shortened name represents judgment, while the full name represents mercy. Based on this, it was previously explained regarding "How shall I curse whom God (E-l) has not cursed? How shall I defy whom Hashem has not defied?" - that Bil'am wanted to utter an abbreviated name and instead uttered a full one; he sought to invoke judgments, yet a name of chesed emerged from his mouth. This was elaborated upon elsewhere and need not be repeated here. In any event: "Behold, God (E-l) is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid" - when the attribute of chesed is my salvation, it is by virtue of His kindness, blessed be He, that I am saved, and therefore I trust and do not fear that sin might prevent it, because the matter does not depend on my sins or my mitzvot, but on the kindness of Hashem all day long.
That is one approach. The second approach: a person asks the Holy One, blessed be He, to act on his behalf for the sake of his own mitzvot and merits - "Remember this to my credit, O my God"; I have performed good deeds, grant me this in their merit. It was precisely this that Yaakov Avinu feared when he said, "I have been diminished by all the kindnesses," which is why he was very afraid lest sin cause him to lose that merit. For if the promise relies on my good deeds, perhaps my merits have been diminished and I am no longer worthy. But one who relies on the abundance of Hashem's kindness - that kindness will never run out.
Says the Vilna Gaon: when a person makes requests based on his mitzvot, he faces prosecuting angels who obstruct and argue: "Are these called mitzvot? Does he deserve it for this? This person is unworthy!" Regarding this, it is said: "Through patience a ruler is persuaded" - the Holy One, blessed be He, is slow to anger, and therefore "is persuaded," in that a person may pray to Him. Yet there are two ways here. If you come and say, "Master of the Universe, act for my sake and in my merit" - you will face many accusers. Therefore the verse continues: "and a soft tongue" - and what is a soft tongue? It is when a person speaks supplications (tachanunim) before the Holy One, blessed be He. And what are supplications? "Master of the Universe, I deserve nothing; I am begging." As Rashi explains on "Va'etchanan" - an unearned gift. That is the soft tongue: not in my own merit, but in the merit of Your mercy and kindness which never cease. Through this, "it breaks bone" - the prosecuting angels, who are hard as bone, have no ground left to accuse.
And he was precise in his wording: "A ruler is persuaded (yefuteh)" - there is a possibility of persuading, but no guarantee. How does one persuade (entice)? By offering something: "Come, I will give you such and such." When a person approaches the Holy One, blessed be He, by offering - "Master of the Universe, I have mitzvot" - there is a chance it may succeed, and a chance it may not. But if he comes with a soft tongue and supplications - "Master of the Universe, I have nothing except the abundance of Your mercy and kindness" - this breaks the bone, shattering the accusers, and through this, what he asks for is truly bestowed upon him from Heaven.
The Malbim: First Deferral, Then Annulment
The Malbim explains this verse through a wonderful psychological insight. A katzin here is not a military officer, but a ruler or magistrate, like a city official. If the ruler is angry with you, ordinary human nature is to try immediately to eliminate the anger and cancel the punishment completely - but the Malbim says this does not work. In the first stage, ask for orech apayim (patience and postponement): do not ask to annul the decree, but rather to delay it. Do not say to the ruler, "Cancel the punishment," but rather, "You are right, he deserves it, but not immediately - let him enter prison in six months, in a year; right now he has family celebrations, he just had a child." If you approach him initially asking for total cancellation, he will be stubborn and ask, "Why on earth would I cancel it?" But a postponement he will grant readily. And after you have obtained a delay, it will be far easier for the soft tongue that follows later to break the bone entirely, thereby annulling the decree altogether. Indeed, reality shows that when something is postponed, there is a very good chance it will never come to pass at all.
And as in the well-known story: A man signed an agreement that if he did not pay his debt, he would be thrown to the nobleman's ferocious dog. People asked him, "How could you agree to such a thing?" He replied, "What are you talking about? The payment is due in ten years; by then, either I will die, the nobleman will die, or the dog will die." In other words, the postponement alone removed seventy percent of the problem. True, the bullet is still in the chamber, but it is far away. Then, in the next stage - "a soft tongue breaks bone": with gentle words and a peaceful approach, one will succeed in breaking the decree completely. And through supplications, can one not break even the strict attribute of justice?
And what is the allegorical meaning, that is, the deeper lesson? The Holy One, blessed be He, is, as it were, persuaded through prayer to be longsuffering, and once He delays His anger, the power of strict judgment weakens. Through this, over time, with gentle words and supplications, one can nullify the harsh decrees entirely.
Grammatical Notes
Many are accustomed to read pen tisba'enu ve-haki'oto, whereas we read vahake'ato (וַהֲקֵאתוֹ) with a quiescent alef. The Minchat Shai notes that in some texts the alef has a cholam, but in the precise manuscripts it is silent - vahake'ato, from the root for vomiting (with a kuf), not from striking (with a kaf). Thus, the popular reading is not entirely without basis, but the precise texts read vahake'ato. On the other hand, the common practice of reading lashon rakah teshabber garem has no basis at all; the verse reads tishbar garem (תִּשְׁבָּר־גָּרֶם). This depends on kamatz gadol and kamatz katan, and accordingly, even for Sephardim the reading should be tishbor garem. At any rate, all agree that one should not read teshabber.
"If You Found Honey, Eat What Is Sufficient for You" - Knowing One's Capacity
דְּבַשׁ מָצָאתָ אֱכֹל דַּיֶּךָּ פֶּן־תִּשְׂבָּעֶנּוּ וַהֲקֵאתוֹ. (טז) - If you have found honey, eat what is sufficient for you, lest you be filled with it and vomit it up. (16)
The Vilna Gaon immediately addresses the deeper allegorical meaning: Do not be overly clever, and do not strive after things that are too great and wondrous for you, lest you be found guilty and vomit up all that you toiled and learned. Just as one who eats too much sweet food will vomit it up, so too a person must know his capacity in comprehension and wisdom, so that he does not arrive at "lest you be filled with it and vomit it up," engaging in matters beyond his capabilities. The extreme example is those who entered the Pardes without being on the appropriate spiritual level, and therefore emerged damaged. Thus, even if it is honey, and the honey is good, refined, and exquisite - "eat what is sufficient for you"; a person must know where to set the boundary.
And where is this hinted at in the word devash (honey)? The Gra explains: D-V-Sh (דב״ש) forms an acronym for De'ah, Binah, Sechel (knowledge, understanding, intellect) - echoing the wording of the blessing, "Who grants man knowledge, understanding, and intellect." And if you have found knowledge, understanding, and intellect, do not seek matters too great and wondrous for you; do not venture to places forbidden to enter, and do not gaze at what is forbidden to contemplate. This is like the Mishnah that forbade inquiring into what is above and what is below, or the esoteric mysteries of Ma'aseh Merkavah and the like, where contemplation may lead to confusion and ruin. A person must take care not to reach into realms too exalted for him, and set clear boundaries for himself.
And the Malbim notes the precision of these two words: "Honey" - even though it is wholesome and good to eat; "you have found" - even though it came to you as a found object. For when a person purchases something, he buys according to his needs: a jar of honey to last for a certain period, and that is all. But when he finds it freely, the immediate impulse is, "I can take a lot, after all, I didn't pay for it; let us eat it all!" Regarding this, King Solomon says: Even though it is delicious honey, and even though it was found freely - "eat what is sufficient for you, lest you be filled with it and vomit it up." From here, take a parable that even with good things, a person must partake in moderation. And the allegorical application follows in the next verse - "Make your foot scarce."
A Principle for All of Life: A Generation of Abundance
This verse is a fundamental principle for human life as a whole. One of the most destructive factors in recent generations, even by modern Western measures, lies precisely in this point. There were generations of poverty, times when a person was restricted and had to economize; in our generation, everything is wide open. Food is limitless and inexpensive, and you see people eating without restraint: the refrigerator door stays open, no point in even closing it; they recite HaMotzi in the morning and Birkat HaMazon at night, and the entire day is one continuous meal. A Magnum ice cream bar here, a pizza there, and something else over there - and later they need a crane to get them out, followed by surgeries and gastric bypasses.
This generation of abundance is also reflected in access to information, and here the matter is truly destructive. Today, a person has boundless access to information, and at times that information is terrible and ruinous, leading him to immense corruption, grave prohibitions, and places of abomination - all because access is boundless. And the damage he causes himself is enormous. For the principle is that the Torah does not forbid pleasures to man; it merely limits him in their dosage. The Torah is not Christianity: Christianity says do not marry, and holy is one who does not marry. The Torah comes and says - by no means, get married, but there are boundaries: observe purity (taharah). And the Gemara asks: Why did the Torah mandate seven days for niddah? So that she should be as beloved to him as when she entered the chuppah. And "honey" (devash) in gematria equals "woman" (ishah). But if a person does not heed, "If you found honey, eat your fill," and consumes the honey to excess, he begins looking for other jars, for he has already emptied this jar, and this honey no longer tastes good to him. And once he has exhausted all the jars, he comes out of the closet, and you hear of all sorts of perversions. Why? Because he reached full exhaustion, the maximum limit, since he failed to adopt the absolute foundation of Judaism - set boundaries for yourself and restrict yourself - and consequently he continues to deteriorate, because what once satisfied him no longer speaks to him.
Another example that reflects this reality: drugs. Someone who starts using drugs generally does not live a long life; there are no people who started drugs and reached the age of eighty. It moves very quickly; at thirty or forty a person is finished. And besides the fact that he destroys himself, with drugs you never remain at a low level: what satisfied you yesterday does not satisfy you today, and you need "better" substances - in quotation marks - and when they too fail to provide the same sensation, you increase the dose. What began with smoking turns into snorting, and then injecting, until reaching an overdose. And all of this because one must constantly increase and intensify just to achieve that same effect felt at the beginning.
From this one can understand: the one who limits himself is the one who truly enjoys life. Whoever sets boundaries is the one who finds pleasure. This can be seen in the simplest example: Does a child enjoy a piece of candy? It depends on the dosage you give him. If candy is something given following a good deed, on Shabbat, as something earned - the child waits for the candy and his eyes sparkle. But a child who has constant access to the candy cupboard - you are kidding yourself; what is a piece of candy to him? He needs a huge block of chocolate, an ice cream cone coated on all sides, perhaps that might appeal to him. So who is happier: the child who receives a candy on Shabbat and enjoys it, or the one to whom a piece of candy means nothing? Certainly the first. In simple terms: when a person sets boundaries for himself, he enjoys what the Holy One, Blessed be He, gives him; and when he does not, he is in an endless race to amplify pleasures, because he has exhausted what the pleasure had to offer and needs something else, stronger and more intense, just to achieve that same pleasure.
At the time, they told of the manager of the Beatles, who was Jewish, and it is said that he took his own life. Why? He had become a multimillionaire by the standards of those days, with fame, publicity, glory, and everything imaginable. He left a letter in which he wrote: "I had everything, yet I had nothing." This means: when a person has already exhausted everything at a young age, what will excite him? A trip abroad? Place your finger on the globe and try to find a place I have not visited. Money? I have enough to support myself and my household until the end of all generations. So what can you offer me, and what will excite me? When a person has nothing to look forward to and nothing to be excited about, life loses its flavor. But one who knows in advance, "If you found honey, eat your fill," and sets boundaries for himself - the next time, the honey still tastes good and pleasant to him. If you taste a bar of chocolate and feel that on that same occasion you must finish four bars, at the next stage chocolate will mean nothing to you. Someone who works in a bakery or a chocolate factory cannot bear the sight of chocolate; it has become worn out and lost its flavor. The Holy One, Blessed be He, did not create the pleasures of the world to make us miserable, nor to say, "Here it is, but do not touch." He says: take - but in the right dosage. "If you found honey, eat your fill," for "lest you become surfeited with it and vomit it."
"Make Your Foot Rare in Your Neighbor's House"
הֹקַר רַגְלְךָ מִבֵּית רֵעֶךָ פֶּן־יִשְׂבָּעֲךָ וּשְׂנֵאֶךָ. (יז) - Make your foot rare in your neighbor's house, lest he become surfeited with you and hate you.
Here too there is a note regarding reading the text: many people misread the first word, as it has become colloquial, but the correct vocalization is "Hokar raglecha." Its meaning is: keep your foot away from your friend's house. Rashi explains that this verse connects to what was stated before it: just as one who finds honey, even though it is sweet and delicious, must "eat your fill, lest you become surfeited with it and vomit it," so too, "Make your foot rare in your neighbor's house." Even though you might say - we have a wonderful time together, we enjoy one another's company, and he himself invites me to come - withhold your foot from going there every single day, lest he become surfeited with you and hate you.
And we all recognize this reality: when a person meets his friend once in a while, they enjoy each other's company. But when it happens day after day after day, a stage arrives when one has had enough: "He is calling again; he wants to come over again; I don't have the energy for him" - he will become sated with you and hate you. The same applies to children: two friends who are close in heart and soul, practically living in each other's pockets, seemingly having a wonderful friendship - and yet often you see a stage where it turns into a major conflict and a bitter quarrel. You ask, what happened? Weren't they the best of friends? Rather: he will become surfeited with you and hate you. A person must understand dosages, so that just as with honey, although it is good and sweet, there is a point where one is sated and vomits, so too with one's neighbor, that he should not become sated with you and come to hate you.
Midrash: "Your Neighbor's House" - The Beit HaMikdash
Regarding the Midrash, Chazal teach: Do not become accustomed to sinning unintentionally and constantly bringing sin-offerings (chataot) and guilt-offerings (ashamot) - and to where? To "your neighbor's house," which is the Beit HaMikdash. And why is the Holy One, Blessed be He, called "your neighbor [or companion]"? As it is stated: "This is my beloved, and this is my friend (vezeh re'i)." If so, "Make your foot rare in your neighbor's house" means: do not frequently come to the Beit HaMikdash time after time with a sin-offering and a guilt-offering, for this unwitting sin and that unwitting sin. The Holy One, Blessed be He, says: I would rather do without such sacrifices; it is better that you not sin and not bring a sacrifice. Therefore, take care and guard yourself from falling into sin, lest He become surfeited with you and despise you through your frequent visits to the Beit HaMikdash, for such frequency reveals that your spiritual state is degraded.
And since we have touched upon grammar, there is another observation highlighted by the Minchat Shai: "pen yisba'acha" - the ayin is vocalized with a chataf patach, and not with a segol as mistakenly printed in many editions. Although printed editions often read with a segol, this is an error, and the correct text is "פֶּן־יִשְׂבָּעֲךָ".
In summary:
The three verses we have learned teach the wisdom of proper measure. "Through forbearance is a ruler persuaded" - before a ruler, and before the King of kings, one does not approach with a demand for complete annulment; first one asks for a delay, and then "a soft tongue breaks bone": supplications for an unearned gift, by virtue of His never-ending mercy and kindness, break the accusers that are as hard as bone - for one who comes in the merit of his own mitzvos fears lest sin intervene, whereas one who comes relying on Hashem's kindness is confident, for His blessed account is always full. "Have you found honey? Eat only what is sufficient for you" - both in wisdom and in pleasures, in knowledge, understanding, and intellect, a person must know his capacity and his limit; for if he tries to consume everything to excess, he will vomit up all that he toiled and learned, and lose the very taste of life. And "Make your foot rare in your neighbor's house" - even in love and friendship, and even in the Beis HaMikdash itself, excess without measure turns sweetness into hatred. One who sets boundaries for himself is the one who truly enjoys all that the Holy One, Blessed is He, has to give him.