Introduction: Mishlei 23 - From Discipline of the Heart to the Education of Children
In the passage before us, Shlomo HaMelech transitions from the general counsel of accepting mussar and da'as to its most practical application: the education of children. First, he addresses the individual - how one must master his heart and bring the laws of chochmah closer to his intellect; and immediately afterward, he turns to the parent - how to guide the youth who is not yet capable of absorbing lofty "words of knowledge." Both matters are intertwined, and both rest on a single foundation: one cannot keep a person on the proper path by force, but only through connection.
"Apply Your Heart to Discipline" - Why the Heart, and Why the Ear?
הָבִיאָה לַמּוּסָר לִבֶּךָ וְאׇזְנְךָ לְאִמְרֵי־דָעַת׃ - Apply your heart to discipline, and your ear to words of knowledge.
Two organs are mentioned here, each corresponding to its specific function. Mussar (discipline) comes to correct a person and straighten his path; therefore, it is directed toward the heart: take all your desires, discipline them, and align them properly. But da'as (knowledge) - engagement in Torah - is directed toward the ear, as its primary purpose is not necessarily battling desire, but the very study and absorption of Torah, to which a person must incline his ear.
The Malbim explains a deeper dimension: Even if a person has received the rules of wisdom through his ears from his teachers - and we have already learned that the laws of chochmah cannot be deduced on one's own, but must be received from Rabbis and prophets - this still does not guarantee that he will follow this path. For standing opposite wisdom is physical desire. A person may say: Indeed, according to the laws of the Torah, according to justice and integrity, this is what ought to be done - yet my heart pulls in another direction, my desires pull toward different realms. This is the greatest adversary to wisdom.
The ruling power in man, as the Malbim has explained several times, is the heart. The heart is the center and the sovereign. The difficulty is that rulership in the heart alternates: at times the laws of chochmah rule within it, and at other times desires hold sway, back and forth. One moment a person is drawn after pleasure, and the next toward the study of Torah. This is the constant battle; this is the yetzer tov and the yetzer hara. If this ruling power were always to follow the laws of chochmah, we would be tzaddikim constantly and without interruption; but we know that a struggle exists.
To address this, Shlomo offers counsel: "And your ear to words of knowledge." What are "words of knowledge"? The principles of chochmah themselves are not inherently grasped by intellect alone, nor do they possess empirical proofs; yet one who conducts himself by them, fulfills them, and ultimately bonds with them attains a state of da'as - clear perception and genuine recognition. What he was previously told - "Accept this from your teachers; it is an axiom" - becomes transformed into complete da'as through deep contemplation. This is the advice: go to those individuals who have internalized the laws of chochmah through understanding, who have perceived Hashem's providence in His world with their own senses, who understand that man's ultimate end is death and that the laws of chochmah are absolute truth. For them, this has already become da'as, a clear knowing. Incline your ear to them; then you will be convinced, and then you will succeed in acting according to the laws of chochmah rather than according to desire.
Bringing Matters Close to the Intellect - Not Merely "Because Hashem Commanded"
We have already explained and provided numerous examples demonstrating that the proper path for a person is not simply to act blindly "because Hashem said so," but rather to bring matters close to the intellect: to understand why what Hashem commanded is beneficial for oneself. Some might object: What do you mean by "beneficial for me"? Are you acting out of self-interest? I do it because Hashem commanded, and even if they told me that this mitzvah incurs Gehinnom, I would still do it, because it is Hashem's will! But this approach is entirely mistaken. The Torah wants you to perform mitzvos with joy, and to bring these matters close to your own understanding.
Consider this in the case of Yaakov Avinu. The angel tells him that the time has come to leave the house of Lavan. He could have simply told his wives: "The angel said so; we are leaving." Yet he does not do that. He calls them out to the field and begins to persuade them of how bad things are for them there, how much they suffer, and how staying is not worthwhile. Only after they reach the conclusion on their own and say to him, "You are right, it is not good for us here, we must leave" - only then does he add that Hashem commanded it as well, that an angel of Elokim spoke to him. And they reply: If so, do whatever Hashem has said. Did the holy Matriarchs really need to be persuaded? He could have just said, "The angel said," and they would have complied immediately; whether it felt good or bad, beneficial or not - what difference would that make? Rather, we are taught here that even when Hashem asks something of the holy Matriarchs, He ensures that it is explained properly, so that they recognize: this is good for us, this is worthwhile, Hashem's will aligns with our own. How profound.
And lest one argue that this applies only to the Matriarchs and not to the Patriarchs, consider Yaakov himself. When the angel appears to him, what does he say? "I have seen all that Lavan is doing to you" - Yaakov, you are suffering here, it is bad for you, it is not worthwhile for you to stay, and therefore arise and depart. Did Yaakov need persuasion? Yes! HaKadosh Baruch Hu teaches us that the path is always one of "Draw me after You, let us run": provide a person with the understanding that this is good and beneficial for him, and then he will be convinced. Do not say, "This is what the Torah commands, without persuasion; we are servants and we simply obey." On the contrary: everything you can bring close to your intellect and be convinced is good for you, do so, and say: How wonderful that Hashem's will aligns with my own.
This is the meaning of the verse. You want to master the heart and subdue it? The heart is drawn after desires, which represent forceful rule; opposing them are the decrees of wisdom, which are not grasped by intellect. Shelomo tells you: "And your ear to sayings of knowledge" - da'at is already something grasped by the intellect, conscious understanding. Try to see, understand, and internalize how good this is for you, how successful you will be if you walk according to the rules of wisdom. Do not observe them merely as dry rules, for by doing so you make the battle against the yetzer hara harder on yourself. Even if this path seemingly deprives you of certain pleasures, know that it is the very best thing for you, and that momentary pleasures do not bring true success.
A Warning to Parents: Coercion Creates Distance
There are people who take a child to the synagogue at a young age, at six in the morning: "Get up, sluggard, we get up for prayer with joy!" - dragging him along. And in the synagogue, woe to him if he lifts his head from the siddur; the father constantly points with his finger: "Where are we holding? Did you look up?" The father is pleased: four children walk with him, none of them embarrass him, all sit from the beginning of prayers to the end. Then he looks at the avreich whose child comes occasionally, sits for four minutes, and leaves, and says to him: "Grow up, this is no way to behave, the child will treat prayer with contempt, sit him down and show him." This person is a fool. Why? Because at that moment you might feel satisfaction - he sat and prayed - but what did you create within him? Alienation, hatred of prayer, resentment; and at the first opportunity he has to escape from the synagogue, from the yarmulke, and from religion, he will do so. And this happens in a very big way.
All those who educate their children through force rather than through connection end up losing them. Say to a child: "You do not have to come to shul; come when you feel you want to, and when you come - come happily." Give him the feeling that the synagogue is a place of joy. And one who says, "You are embarrassing me" should ask himself what he truly cares about: the child's chinuch or his own embarrassment. The heart aches at the sight of such children, because one can already envision them five years down the line: watching the yarmulke shrink until it evaporates and disappears, and then he is seen no longer, and there will not even be anyone to say Kaddish for that father, because the son has drifted so far that no one even thinks of him.
Therefore, Shelomo tells you: "And your ear to sayings of knowledge." Take to heart how wonderful the service of Hashem is, how much it provides a good life here in this world. And the same applies to children: draw them close with affection and love, and then they will truly walk in the path of Hashem. But things done by force, even toward oneself - "this is the will of Hashem, so I do it" - how long can that last? There comes a stage where a person rebels against everything. Proceed step by step, and do things with inner wholeness.
Many young women, daughters of ba'alei teshuvah, often express feelings of suffocation: "I feel overwhelmed. I pray Shacharit, Minchah, I heard some say Arvit as well so I pray Arvit, and I recite Shir HaShirim and Perek Shirah and more." But who asked all this of you? For a woman, according to Rav Ovadia Yosef, Shacharit is sufficient - Birkhot HaShachar, Keriat Shema, and Shemoneh Esreh, and that is all. If you want to adopt the stricture of Rav Ben Tzion Abba Shaul and pray Minchah as well, make sure first that you are well-established in Shacharit, that you do it with joy and pleasure, and that you are emotionally ready to take on more - and then accept another practice. And when you feel that this, too, brings joy and your soul yearns for further growth, take on Arvit as well. But taking on everything at once? And what does she say in the end? "To tell the truth, there are days when I do nothing. I have no strength, I feel utterly exhausted, and I do not even open the siddur for Birkhot HaShachar." Does the Holy One, blessed be He, want you to suffocate yourself? If it is not your obligation, why take it on? This is the scheme of the yetzer hara: take on more and more, this is a segulah for that and this is for a good shidduch, until a person's soul is repelled. We see this often with ba'alei teshuvah: in one day someone becomes a tremendous tzaddik, and two months later he drifts far away, sometimes ending up worse than before he returned. Therefore: "and your ear to sayings of knowledge" - bring these matters to conscious understanding, and do them with joy. The Holy One, blessed be He, prefers a little done with joy over a lot done under suffocation.
"Withhold Not Discipline from a Child" - Two Interpretations
אַל־תִּמְנַע מִנַּעַר מוּסָר כִּי־תַכֶּנּוּ בַשֵּׁבֶט לֹא יָמוּת׃ - Withhold not discipline from a youth, for if you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
Rabbeinu Yonah explains: Do not be overly distressed even if the youth feels pain. You do not need to fear or pay excessive heed to every discomfort caused to him by the discipline you administer, for he will not die from it. That is, Scripture is not telling you to "beat him severely," but rather "do not be afraid to strike him" - "for if you strike him with the rod, he will not die."
The Vilna Gaon interprets differently: "For if you strike him with the rod, he will not die" - by disciplining him with the rod here in this world, you ensure that he will not die in the World to Come. According to Rabbeinu Yonah, the emphasis is that he will not die from the blow, whereas according to the Gra, he will not suffer the death of the soul; you protect him in the World of Truth by setting him on the straight path here, as we will see in the next verse.
The Malbim connects this to the preceding verse: We said, "Apply your heart to instruction, and your ear to sayings of knowledge," and sayings of knowledge are elevated perceptions and insights - but what grasp can a young person have of such things? Perhaps there is no point in speaking to him at all, since he does not yet comprehend what discipline or sayings of knowledge are? To this, Scripture says: "Withhold not discipline from a youth" - nevertheless, do not withhold from him the discipline appropriate for a youth. And what is that? "For if you strike him with the rod." What does a child understand? A rod, a stick. And there is no danger in this - "he will not die." It turns out, therefore, that this approach is far from loss and close to reward, so this is the path you should take: even if he does not understand lofty ethics and sublime words of knowledge, the rod he understands very well.
"And Save His Soul from Sheol" - Three Advantages
אַתָּה בַּשֵּׁבֶט תַּכֶּנּוּ וְנַפְשׁוֹ מִשְּׁאוֹל תַּצִּיל׃ - You shall strike him with the rod, and save his soul from Sheol.
The Vilna Gaon explains: When you discipline him here with a rod to distance him from an evil path, there are three distinct advantages. First, you alone strike him. Second, it is only with a rod. Third, it is inflicted only upon his body. But if you fail to do so, he will ultimately end up in Sheol, and there: not you alone will strike him, but numerous angels of destruction; not with a wooden rod, but with harsh and bitter torments; and not upon his body, but upon his soul - "and save his soul from Sheol." It turns out that it is far better to receive physical blows here than to suffer the torment of the soul in Sheol, and for eternity.
The Limits of Striking: "A Person Should Never Strike His Grown Son"
Here we must emphasize what has been stressed several times, including when learning "Educate a child according to his way": whenever physical correction is discussed, one must remember the words of Chazal that a person should never strike his grown son. Why? Because of the prohibition, "Do not place a stumbling block before the blind." When you strike an older child, he defies you and acts insolently, and you cause him to stumble into the sin of chutzpah - which is a terrible thing. At times, if he is brazen or older, he might even strike back. A father was once asked: "Do you raise a hand against your son?" He replied: "Yes, but only in self-defense." One who follows the words of Chazal will certainly never stumble into this.
"Educate a child according to his way" means that every child has his own temperament and requires his own approach. There are children with whom raising a hand is strictly forbidden; these are generally children with deep self-respect, emotionally more mature, who are profoundly wounded when struck, and it can be truly destructive. Furthermore: what defines a "grown son"? In the past, people spoke of age fifteen, then twelve, then eight - and today, a "grown child" can be as young as four or five. At that age, one should no longer raise a hand; there are other forms of discipline. Raising a hand leads a child to antagonism, hatred, and estrangement from everything holy. One who fails to internalize this message loses his children within a short time. In the past, you would see a youth hanging out on the street with the crowd at age fifteen; today, you can see an eight-year-old already behaving with such insolence. Why? That child received no warmth at home; he received beatings.
When Is It Permissible, and How?
The kind of child regarding whom physical correction is discussed is very young, two or three years old, someone to whom things cannot yet be explained and who cannot be given other consequences. Then, there is no other choice. Even then, it refers either to a small smack or - what is even more recommended - no smack at all, but rather gripping the child by the arm, by the upper arm, firmly enough to cause slight discomfort, and pulling him away from whatever he must be kept away from. Then the child understands.
For example: an eighteen-month-old child is jumping on the couch. This is a real danger - there is a table nearby, and from a slight slip he could fall headfirst. After medical treatment at the hospital, there might even follow a night in an interrogation room: "What did you do to the child? You are a violent, abusive parent." Devoted parents who experienced this have recounted how they were treated as abusers, with officials refusing to "buy" the explanation that the child fell and broke a leg - truly disgraceful treatment. So you tell him not to do it - but does he listen? An eighteen-month-old child does not listen, nor does he understand threats. There is no choice but to do something he does understand: hold him firmly by the arm with slight discomfort, move him away, and tell him that climbing on the couch is strictly forbidden under any circumstances. Once, twice - and by the third time, just saying that you are coming to take him down is enough for him to get down on his own. There is no need for smacks or slaps.
One must realize: in most cases, striking is merely an outlet for pent-up violence within the parent himself. A person becomes angry and frustrated and vents it - but what did that achieve for you? What did it give the child? You have only damaged him, leaving deep scars on his soul that will be exceedingly difficult to heal.
Not Like the View of Those Who Forbid It Entirely
On the other hand, let us not misunderstand the matter. When Chazal and King Solomon say, "If you strike him with the rod, he will not die," we are not adopting the view of today's researchers and psychologists, who forbid striking a child entirely and claim that the child will become violent. These theorists have created an unbridled, amoral society devoid of boundaries: a parent says, "Sweetie, I don't allow climbing on the couch," and the child completely ignores him and does as he pleases, leaving the parent powerless. The world, too, has begun to sober up and realize that the direction pushed in recent decades is one of foolishness, completely distorted, which has produced monsters. When a parent has no authority over a child and cannot take any decisive action, the child naturally does whatever he wants.
Consider two or three examples from an article on education: Dr. Marjorie Lindner Gunnoe, a psychologist who conducted a comprehensive study of over a thousand children over more than five years, published her findings in the *Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine*. In her view, for most children, the claim that corporal punishment teaches violence is completely baseless. One of the findings showed that children ages four to seven who received physical discipline were the ones who fought less at school - children with stronger internal boundaries. And *U.S. News* noted that most American newspapers preferred to quote the claims of opponents rather than her better-founded conclusions; the media was still unwilling to absorb the conclusions of the professionals.
Furthermore, Robert Larzelere, a psychologist heading a research institute at a large youth residential facility, examined hundreds of studies and rejected most of them as relying on insufficient data or addressing excessive punishment - which is unquestionably wrong by all accounts. Following a comprehensive review, thirty-five reliable studies remained, which he defined as the very best. Their conclusion was that moderate physical discipline was the most effective factor in modifying behavior and instilling derech eretz in children - far more than other disciplinary methods, such as removing the child from the classroom or withholding rewards and privileges at home.
Yet we do not need studies. We have King Solomon, the wisest of all men, who taught us in Mishlei what they arrived at only after trial and error: "Educate a child according to his way," and, do not hesitate, "for if you strike him with a rod, he will not die."
Times Have Changed - And Halachah Is Precise Even Regarding Physical Discipline
One must simply recognize that times have changed. Anyone who remains rigidly locked into his father's practices - move out of line, a slap; do something wrong, a blow - is making a bitter mistake. A forty-year-old man once related: "I cannot forgive my father for this; when I was fourteen or fifteen, he would hit me, even kick me." He carries that hurt to this day. Moreover, even in Halachah, when physical discipline is mentioned, the exact manner is defined: with a strap and not a whip, with an open hand and not the back of the hand - for the back of the hand is both humiliating and inflicts a severe blow. The goal is never to cause pain.
Some parents lack wisdom; when the child becomes hardened and insolently declares, "That does not even hurt anymore," a wise parent replies, "I did not intend to hurt you; I only wanted you to understand that what you did was wrong." An unwise parent reacts: "It does not hurt? Does it hurt now?" - and strikes again and again. What foolishness, what a lack of understanding. People vent their frustrations on their children, and then end up with monsters. And the child is not to blame; his father raised him this way, bringing him to this terrible state.
Therefore, physical discipline must be kept to the absolute minimum, and only at very young ages. Once a child grows slightly older, it is far more effective to tell him: "You came home late - tomorrow you may not go down to play with your friends." Asking, "Why were you late?" followed by a slap - what does that achieve? You have humiliated the child, and a humiliated child certainly does not love his home or want to connect with it. In contrast: "I warned you twice and you did not return on time; I see you lose track of yourself, so tomorrow I cannot let you go down." If you give a consequence, stand behind it. That is far more effective. Yet at a very young age, one cannot reason with threats, as a two-year-old does not comprehend threats. At that point, there is sometimes no choice but a tiny tap, or as suggested earlier - a firm grip on his arm to escort him away, so he understands that he cannot simply do whatever he pleases.
And sometimes there is no need to strike at all. The child wants to stay where he is, stomps his feet, screams, and throws a tantrum. You tell him, "I do not permit this; please get up" - and he does not listen. You then hold him firmly, securing him close (since he is usually kicking with hands flailing) so that he cannot hit or hurt you, and remove him from the area where he is being disruptive. There is no need to resort specifically to the forceful act of striking; one can achieve the same result and prevent him from doing what is unacceptable.
The Great Principle: Never Punish for a Religious Reason
Particular attention must be paid to an area where recent generations have erred - not the grandparents' generation, but the one after it. Frequently, people resort to physical discipline or punishment over matters of Torah study and mitzvos: "Is that how you recite a berachah?" followed by a slap, "Shame on you, that is no way to make a blessing!" Or if the child does not study, or daydreams while studying and fails to listen properly - he receives a slap or a punishment. One must know: a child is never punished for not performing a mitzvah, for not studying properly, or the like. One must never punish for a religious reason. If you discipline a child, it must be on the grounds of general conduct - "In our home, we do not behave this way" - or any other disciplinary reason, but never a religious one.
This is entirely logical. There is a concept known as conditioning - Pavlovian conditioning. This is how animals are trained. How does a circus bear learn to dance? It is placed on a hot sheet of metal with burning coals beneath it while music is played; each time, it lifts one leg and then the other because its paws are burning. Once trained, the coals are no longer needed: music is played, and it immediately begins lifting its legs, after which it receives a treat - and there you have a dancing bear. What is conditioning? Creating an association between two unrelated things. Pavlov played a specific sound for his dogs each time he fed them; eventually, he played the sound without food, and their digestive systems and salivation activated as if food were present. In our own lives, conditioning often happens through music: you hear a song and recall a trip to the Dead Sea because you listened to it the entire drive. The same applies to scents: you catch a scent and it takes you back thirty years because you remember it from your grandmother's house; a person steps outside in the spring and says, "I smell Pesach."
Now consider: when someone hits a child for not studying Torah, what conditioning has he created? Torah equals beatings. When you scold him, shout at him, or punish him because he did not recite a berachah properly or did not perform a mitzvah correctly, the association formed is: prayer equals blows, prayer equals scolding, prayer equals threats. That child will never pray on his own. Why? Because a conditioning was formed in his mind that prayer is something to cast off, something repulsive to him.
On the other hand, if you were to tell him, "Wonderful! You came to learn with Abba - here is a piece of chocolate," and even then, not draining him for an hour and a half but learning for twenty minutes according to his stamina and age - what association is created? Learning equals a treat. "I love to learn; I love learning with Abba." But if learning with Abba is barbed and abrasive - "You are not studying, you are not paying attention, what will ever become of you, you are a complete failure, look at your brother who already knew this at your age" - it wears down and crushes the child. How could he ever want to learn? Where would he find the desire?
One must always speak about Torah and mitzvos only in a positive way. A father should never drag his son to the synagogue by force; tell him: If you want to come - come; if you do not want to come - do not come. And he will come on his own. Yet those people who brought their children to the synagogue by force - those children are no longer there today. At age ten, twelve, fifteen - the child is already gone. After all, the father brought him from age four, day in and day out - and what did that yield? The child reached a stage where he cannot stand the synagogue, cannot bear the sight of it, and only searches for a way to escape.
However, in other areas, when a child behaves inappropriately - one can and must hold him accountable. The child does not wake up early? Do not tell him, "Get up, it is the time for Krias Shema, how can you be so dismissive?" Say instead: "I want you to wake up on time." Unrelated to prayer. The household runs with order; there must be order, and past a certain hour one does not stay in bed - each family according to its own rules. Frame it as a matter of discipline and order, not honoring parents, mitzvos, and prayer. "This prayer again, let me sleep!" - what gets associated in his mind? Prayer drains you, wears you down, and prevents you from enjoying life. Do not bring prayer into it. "If you want to pray - pray; if you do not want to - do not pray; but I want you to get up on time. Sleeping until twelve noon is being a parasite, and we do not raise parasites in this house. You need to help and clean; you have a day or two a week when you are responsible. You live in this home; you receive, and you also give. Period." Without mixing in mitzvos, transgressions, and honoring parents.
On the other hand, when you want to praise a child for a good deed he did - that is precisely where you should bring in mitzvos: "Well done, you fulfilled a wonderful mitzvah of honoring parents, I am proud of you." Give him a gift, give him a reward. When you want to give a reward - bring in mitzvos. When you want to administer discipline - do not mix in mitzvos, for doing so will only alienate the child from their observance.
In summary:
In these verses, Shlomo HaMelech teaches us a single principle with two facets. Regarding ourselves: "Apply your heart to discipline, and your ears to words of knowledge" - the heart is the ruling force and is drawn toward desires, and the way to prevail in this struggle is to bring the rules of wisdom close to da'as, to listen to those who have attained clear understanding, and to comprehend how good and worthwhile the service of Hashem is for us - then it will be performed with joy and will endure, for a little done with joy is dearer than much done under strain. And regarding children: "Do not withhold discipline from a youth" - a youth who does not grasp lofty words of knowledge understands the rod, and a little physical discomfort in this world saves his soul from the grave. Yet all this must be within strict limits: "Educate a youth according to his way"; a person must never strike his grown child; it must be in the smallest measure and at the youngest age, and never for a religious reason - so that a conditioned reflex does not develop in the child associating Torah and prayer with beatings. In Torah and mitzvos - only in a positive manner, through affection and joy; and in discipline and order - with clear boundaries and sensible penalties. This is the way a child grows up connected, and this is the way a person himself endures in the service of Hashem.